"That Damn Tree," Some Highlights, and On Becoming a Mom (My advice to other new moms)

My slew of pictures this post are from Aria's first few days at home and all of those wonderful new experiences (First bath, first walk in the stroller, etc.) as well as pictures of her meeting many special friends and family. From heart-melting smiles to hilarious poop faces, I love seeing her face transform every day. This blog is also doing a wonderful job at documenting my own slow and steady transformation back into a normal human again. I'm gradually finding some sort of shape I was worried had been lost forever in the mass of bloating, swollen water weight that follows delivery. Excluded, are many photos that were taken by Stephen of she and I napping and selfies in my bed because I think I will dedicate a whole post to those. Morning snuggles are the sweetest moments of mommyhood and I'm definitely going to indulge for those.

Also in the mix are photos from her baptism. That was an incredibly special day for our family. Standing up there with Stephen and our baby, I felt very much like when I walked down the aisle to meet Stephen at the altar. It was just too big and overwhelmingly meaningful to understand fully when it was happening. Aria wore the same christening gown that I, my sister, and my mom all wore for each of our respective baptisms/dedications. For a special touch, our friend Judith Murphy added accents from my wedding gown to the dress, and my mom's wedding gown to the bonnet. She also stitched Aria's name and birthdate inside. We plan on adding each new member's name to the dress over time. It has evolved into a truly beautiful heirloom. See picture of my parents holding me in the gown at my dedication juxtaposed the three of us on Aria's baptism day.

I had promised myself I would not revisit this memory, however in looking back I realized it was a monumental first so I did include one photo from our return to the hospital to put Aria under the lights. That was by far one of the most traumatic experiences for me to date. Putting my brand new baby in a box with a blindfold at only two days old is a devastating feeling. I had no idea what was going on, and my hormones were giving me severe panic attacks. She stayed only one night and was able to go home the very next day, but I spent that entire night relentlessly pumping milk that had just come in only hours before, and crying my eyes out, agonizing over the sight of my sweet girl and not being able to hold her in my arms. Not to mention, the misplaced IV (which she didn't even need) that caused her arm to swell up like Pop-eye. They don't tell you what many reassuring parents will explain--that this is very common, no big deal, and many times overkill.
I was told too many times by doctors that this was serious and preventing a critical condition.
However sad, it was the first time Stephen got to feed her himself from a bottle, so I wanted to include that picture here. Moving on...

The other, less heartbreaking memory I want to highlight is the series of crappy phone camera pictures with Aria and Stephen in front of a tree while we were out for our walk. This moment was particularly funny because it resonated back to high school when Stephen and I were out for a stroll past the very same tree. This tree was the spark that ignited a historical fight that almost broke us up for good very early in our relationship. We had only been dating a couple weeks, and it was one of the first times I had ever been to his parents' house. Stephen commented that he had always loved this tree.
"One day," he said, "I'd like to have a tree like this in front of our house."
My immediate response of course was, "Yes, that would be great! We can take pictures in front of it with our kids!"
The awkward silence that followed this comment revealed to me that this boy I was dating did not desire children and was therefore not a good fit for me. The next couple days were awkward to say the least, but within a few more weeks of hanging out with my siblings and getting to know each other's hearts and dreams Stephen saw the light. The irony was so delicious when we passed this tree with our stroller and the pictures needed to be taken.

Even before I started dating boys and these fantasies became realistic future goals, I have invariably known I wanted to be a mommy. I also always envisioned having a little girl, seeing my relationship with my mom growing up as the backbone to so much of the good in my character. My mother is one in infinity, and if I can instill even a little of the nurturing love and devotion in my children the way that my mom did for hers, I will know at the end of my life that I have accomplished something great.

However, transitioning into motherhood has seemed at times like trying to navigate a very difficult hedge maze. From the moment other people begin to find out that you are with child, the opinions, advice, and dogmatic approaches to delivering/caring for/parenting that baby come flying from every direction, and it can be the most agonizing process deciding whose advice to take and when to go with your instincts. Beginning with pregnancy, when you are up all night anyway trying to find a way to sleep with an enormous baby bump, tossing and turning occurs both physically and mentally. It is so easy to get trapped in dark and fearful places when worrying about which side of a small decision will make you a good mother.

"At night, lay your child on her back with no blankets. It decreases the risk of SIDS."
"I laid all my children on their stomach and they are just fine. What if they spit up in their sleep? You don't want them to choke on their vomit while on their backs."

"Always feed on demand! If you don't respond every time your baby cries she will have psychological abandonment insecurities! Rock and hold her at all times! She needs it!"
"Your baby can always handle a little crying. Put her on a schedule immediately. She needs to know that she can fall asleep on her own. It gives her stability and independence early on! It trains her to sleep on her own!"
"Babies like boundaries. It makes them feel safe. They're too little to rule the world."

"Let them sleep in your bed! It's wonderful bonding time!"
"Don't let them sleep in your bed! You'll roll over and kill them!"

"Pacifiers are the greatest invention ever. Your nipples will need a break, and your child can learn to soothe themselves!"
"Don't use them. Pacifiers will cause nipple confusion and your baby will have trouble latching on. You also won't know when they are hungry!"

"Of course you have to vaccinate! How could you possibly think of leaving your child and other children with bad immunities defenseless against deadly diseases!?"
"No, vaccinating your child is allowing the government to parent for you. Have I told you the story of this person that I know who had a horrible reaction to a vaccine that devastated the rest of their life!? Do you know what they put in those vaccines? Do you know what that can do to their tiny bodies? It's not a risk worth taking."

"You want to homeschool? What makes you qualified to educate your child until college? Let professionals do that!"
"Definitely homeschool. You can't trust anyone else with your children these days."

"God made you to give birth naturally. Don't give in to an epidural or any other drugs. They might affect the baby and make your delivery longer!"
"Get the drugs immediately! Thank God for drugs!"

Do this...if this. Do that...if that. Don't do this. Don't do that. There are worst case scenarios on both sides of every coin. Even the nurses at the hospital who helped me adjust to breastfeeding were not all on the same page and were giving me different advice. All of the confusion can completely wipe new parents of any confidence to effectively raise their children.

I want to share some wise words from my amazing mother who to this day still soothes me when I am freaking out. "There is no one more suited to parent this little girl than you. No one could do it better."

For example, let me tell you--the pull on your heartstrings as a mother with raging hormones to cradle your baby constantly at all times of the day is super intense. However, babies need sleep in order to grow and learn and be happy. When Aria was born she, like many newborns, had her nights and days swapped. (Made total sense as she was most active in my belly when I was trying to go to bed.) In order to remedy this, I became meticulous with a feeding schedule for her. This was very challenging in the beginning but has turned out to be very successful. Waking a sleeping baby is nearly impossible, but between changing her diaper, tickling her feet, etc. I was able to teach her to take nice long feedings throughout the day, and it made all the difference for her wake time and nap time. She now sleeps almost completely through the night, and barring gas, is happy and interactive when she is awake.
Nap times during the day were very difficult for me.
I have learned in these past 2 and a half months that sometimes my baby needs to wind down when she goes to sleep and her own crying and my constant responsiveness keeps her awake for longer when it is naptime. When sorting all of this out I had many moments of complete insanity, sleep-deprived, wanting to rock her to sleep always. Stephen would find me crying my own eyes out in a fetal position trying to keep away from her bassinet only to find that after five minutes she fell into a peaceful sleep without my interruption.
Since then, when nap time comes, I wait for those five minutes. If she is still crying, I go in and soothe her, and the process starts all over again. This works for us. Usually, she goes down for her nap without a fuss and wakes up when she is ready to eat. She is napping peacefully this very moment and I now have time to write this post.

There are many women who would tell me letting her cry at all is wrong and that it causes emotional damage. But, it seems to me that letting her learn how to go to sleep on her own when she was tired made life easier for all three of us. At the same time,  I can't live without her nap in my bed in the morning. The Babywise schedule would ask me to always put her in her own bed for naps, which I do every other time, but I need to cuddle my baby to sleep at least once every day. The result--she can now do both, because I worked them both into our own routine. I learned what she needed and that it could work for me too. I also worry less knowing that if anything is wrong it will break the routine, and I will know immediately. We will see as she gets older how her habits change. I look forward to it. But, for now, we have a great system going that is tailored to our family. If we have another child with completely different needs we will all have to figure out something new that works then too.

The point I am trying to make here is that every mother I have met with awesome kids does things a little differently. One mother's way might be polar opposite of another mother's and that is ok because every family and every child is different. There is not a cookie cutter way to parent. Children are not computers we can program (thank God). Unique children enter a unique family and that family has it's own niche in this world.

I am a brand new mom and do not claim to be an expert on anything, but I'm learning all the time how to care for Aria in a way that may only work for us. In all the endless confusion of deciding whose advice to take I realized that I needed to see for myself what works for my family and our new baby. What may have worked for one mom might not work for me, and vice versa, though I definitely still appreciate the advice. Women have been raising children with very different personalities since the beginning of time and in all different styles. The human race continues to blossom with beautiful individuals despite, and even because of, their differences. The world would be pretty boring if it weren't so. And as a new parent, I have confidence in that.