At this moment, when both my babies are asleep, and I have some perspective outside of the daytime vortex of "the thick of it," I feel compelled to capture some thoughts before they evaporate and disappear into that vague and fragmented zone when enough time has passed. If it sounds
Inside Outish, it's because it is. Actually one thing I have never mentioned is that Pixar's brilliant movie about feelings is up there with the more obvious Harry Potter on major influences for my beginning and maintaining this blog.
When I turned 25 my family and I spent the day eating cheeseburgers and going to see
Inside Out in the theater, because that's how I wanted to spend my 25th birthday while 7.5 months pregnant with Aria. It became one of my most favorite movies both because of the perfect storm of a time I went to go see it (Don't contemplate Bing Bong when you have raging hormones and are about to become a mom of a Baby girl.) and because it was more impetus for me to begin this blog. Every time I watch it, I am reinspired to post something. If you have never seen it, you must. You'll cry. You'll cry hard.
Right now at this moment, Stephen and I are in a state of equal parts immeasurable gratitude for and overwhelmedness with this bustling phase we are in. While sitting here mulling over what exactly is the lesson I've been learning during this stage I went down a rabbit hole and started thinking about movies.The iconic Toby McGuire Spiderman quote came into my head. So I just went with it and tweaked to meet my needs. I came up with, "With great gifts come the responsibility of trying to be worthy of those gifts." Stephen's business has given us incredible opportunities in being able to afford our first major family vacation next month, as well as the very house we live in. Just two years ago, new parents cramped into a tiny apartment, uncertainty written all over every choice that was coming our way, my wildest dreams would not have placed us here at this point two years later. God has blessed us so greatly in these passed nearly five years of marriage. It is so important to take the time during these back-breakingly busy seasons to rejoice in the gift of opportunities and moments spent in the trenches in between.
Aria is nearly 3 and over the past year I have watched her respond to life with Leo in the picture. It has been trying because my girl's spirit is firey and free. She is fiercely loving (on her terms) and her verbal eloquence at times leaves us in stitches. "Aria? Do you need to make pee pee?" "Um...no Mommy. But I appreciate that." But, she is happiest when left to her own devices to put on the dress she picks out, twirl around in circles until she can't stand, run on for miles without stopping, and occasionally plopping herself down to make dirt castles, or my personal favorite "dirt angels." The feeling of terror when you look out your window and see your daughter laying in the middle of our gravel driveway lifting her arms and legs up and down to make an imprint in the dirt is all too real. Navigating how to allow her spirit the joy and ownership it needs to enjoy the richness this world has to offer, while at the same time harnessing those passions for good, and giving boundaries when necessary is rough work. I would love for just once to be able to jump inside her head and meet her Inside Out emotions and ask them some pointers. This is an area of mothering that leaves me feeling like a failure every day when I lose my temper or cannot find the right way to communicate.
"Mommy I love you...but I don't love you bad."
The other side of this is that Aria is experiencing the ever soul crushing reality that Baby Leo is a smaller baby than her.
It is frustrating and guilt-ridden in many ways transitioning your first baby into your oldest baby.
It brings with it a whole new world of emotions and thoughts that any child goes through but it may be more difficult the younger they are because of the barriers in expression, and in their still-developing brains connections are made that throw you for a loop. Cue reverting to baby talk, sitting on top of the other baby, ripping toys out of his hands, whining and fussing that never ever ends, until Daddy comes home like a knight riding a white horse.
God is there in all of it though. A few weeks ago Aria was watching "Clifford the Big Red Dog," a recent new favorite. An episode came on where one of the little girl characters gets a new baby brother, and I tell you, I've never seen her so glued to a tv show. The little girl is excited for a baby-welcoming party her parents are throwing for family and neighbors. But when all the guests arrive with presents all for the baby and immediately run over to fawn over him, she becomes upset and jealous. So she grabs all the pots and pans she can carry and starts making a racket that wakes up her new little brother and irritates all the guests. Her little brother then starts crying and can't be subdued by anyone, until finally the little girl takes a turn holding the baby and he stops crying. She then falls in love and the lesson has been learned. Seeing that episode was the best thing that could have happened that otherwise difficult day. I am not saying things immediately got better, but it was a segue for me to start trying to explain and make Aria aware of her part in making Baby Leo feel loved and happy, that a baby brother is a blessing from God, something I could use in many interactions afterward to get through to her.
That tiny incident was a great reminder to me in my weariness and feelings of failure and guilt that in the runoff from major life changes, when adjustment is awkward and hard, we get frustrated and lash out for a reason. We convince ourselves that we are alone in our struggle. Moments like this are reminders that we need to seek God who is sovereign and very present whether we acknowledge him or not; that He wants our good and is there in the monotonous struggles of every day.
Another grace is that my 9 month old Leo boy (I can't believe how long it has been since I've posted) is the chillest human I have ever met. God knows what he is doing. He is exactly what my heart needed, what this family needed. He laughs easily and often. Really the only time he fusses is when he is tired or I stop feeding him, regardless of how much he has eaten. I will wake up in the morning and go check on him only to find Leo sitting there quietly playing with whatever is in his crib. He is not concerned, knows I will come get him eventually. He is a rolley polley Jewy curled, dimpley cheeked, happy ball of relaxed being, and I love him so much. About two weeks ago he started crawling for real, and since then has gained momentum every day. His unique style is to use his right leg to lift his whole body up and drag the other leg. It is so goofy, and I could watch him do it all day long.
To quote a friend, I think I have "fire and ice" babies and I couldn't be more thankful for the pride and joy they both give to me every day.
Pictures:
- Professional wedding shots with the professional flower girl. <3 (Thank you Alyssa and Alexandra for sharing these with me!)
- More dance recital shots
- First annual Trinity Church wine crush party
- Miscellaneous Life
- Some Camp Canaan 2018 fun (Hopefully more will show up eventually)
- Gina Homolka came for a vineyard tour with Stephen! It actually happened! I have pictures!
- Greg's first show with Under the Covers
- Ian's prom and LuHi graduation
- Fourth of July
- Leo's first swim class.
