Confessions of a Perfectionist

Here is a fun fact about me that will be surprising to some and obvious to others. I struggle deeply with perfectionism. I know at first glance it does not sound so bad. It is a great answer when asked in a job interview what your biggest weakness is, because isn't perfectionism a strength? 

Who can relate? 

Discussing anything I do not know about is uncomfortable. It makes me feel stupid, and inadequate. If I want to know a thing I will research it until I have exhausted myself and will decide emphatically what is right, what is wrong, and that there is no in between. This goes for everything I elevate -- parenting, cooking, planning, relationships, health, politics, etc. I want to know the most; I want to do it the best. I want to be the point person. I want to win the debate without missing a beat, a detail, a fallacy. When I make a plan I want to cover all bases and my method is micromanaged down to the very last second. When I put my plans into practice, success is expected. Failure is the absolute end of the world. Going with a Plan B is admitting defeat. I do not appreciate excelling in one thing and totally sucking at another. Kind and healthy criticism of anything I do can spur on crippling self loathing. Why didn't I think of that? How did I miss that? Does this mean that I can't do anything right?

What could possibly be irritating about someone like me?

My friends and family could quickly fill you in on some examples.

I have thought a lot about this lately as I and so many others these past two years watched our best laid plans evaporate before we knew what was even happening. Truth and data is fluid, malleable. Life as we knew it changed so quickly within a couple of weeks, and we were left with the knowledge that so many of the things we thought we had control over we surely did not. 

Control. A perfectionist's weapon of choice, but also our greatest debility. Who else is guilty of idolizing the power of control. I thrive on knowing what is coming so that I can prepare and protect. Uncertainty and working with chaotic elements (ie. the weather, tiny humans with minds of their own, a pandemic, civil and social unrest, important pieces breaking, last minute cancellations) can be psychological and emotional hell for a perfectionist.

I have spoken about this on numerous posts before but just checking in to remind anyone who reads that your progress, even when slow, is progress. My character flaws do not just go away because I want them to. I need to remind myself every single day to let go. You are not the one who is supposed to have it all figured out. You are not meant to have total control. And, let's be real. If you did, you would royally screw everything up. We as perfectionists need that healthy reality check that those thoughts, the ones that run all day long and usually well into the night about how if you had done something a certain way you could have saved the world, are total and complete horse crap. Failure will inevitably happen sometimes, but though it can be painful, our greatest failures are oftentimes our most valuable lessons.

I started writing this last New Years as I was approaching what I knew would be a challenging year for me. And boy, was it. For the majority of my adult life I have made resolutions each year to be more of everything. Over and over again: "This year I will become that perfect image of myself that I have not lived up to yet. This is the year it is all going to come together for me."

And then the year begins, I get about 2 weeks in and I realize that my god complex has set me up for certain failure. News FLASH. Just because you create the ideal schedule, organize every part of your living space, balance your budget, meal prep so that you can weigh and track every piece of food that enters your body, map out your life with the world's most detailed checklist, YOU STILL CANNOT CONTROL ANYONE OR ANYTHING. And that, my friend, is an absolute truth.

Something that is becoming ever clearer as I get older, and, in hindsight, what this particular past year has taught me more than ever is that amongst all of my inward perfectionism and pie in the sky disappointment in my lack of control, I take for granted the gifts I have been given. Gifts that keep me tethered to solid ground and remind me to be humble and grateful, and that I alone do not make my life meaningful or valuable. Blessed redemptions without which I would be nothing. 

• A husband who chooses me in spite of my flaws and opinionated insanity. 
• Two perfectly healthy and quirky and hilariously unpredictable children. 
• Family, and extended family, and church family who have supported and nurtured me through rough and beautiful times alike. 
• Opportunity. 
• The trust and confidence of friends who bless me beyond words. 
• And above all else, a God who knows me inside and out and has given me all of these gifts because He loves me.

I wish I did not need a complete shakeup of life as I know it to remind me that who I am and what I have is just fine. With all of life's challenges, setbacks, heartbreaks, and disappointments, there is nothing I would truly change about this life I have been given, and in that sense it is breathtakingly perfect. 

This year, and all of my years to come, my resolutions will look a little different. I resolve to let go more. To pray through my best laid plans. To embrace peace by trusting God's process. To let him rule my life, seeking paths He, not I alone, has laid. To quiet my inner turmoil by observing and participating in the joy that surrounds me whether I have it together or not. To grow where I am planted, and see imperfection not as a weakness but as a building block of strength. Who's with me?