Today I am raw. Today I am new. I am more broken than I was yesterday, yet I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life, and in that brokenness I remain whole in Him. I am learning what this version of myself is capable of and how she moves forward to the glory of her creator and her family, the growing child inside her womb. I rejoice at this new little soul growing strong inside me, and I am opening myself up to the wisdom and blossoming that God is working in and through me in this season of my life.
5 months in, I can already say that this has been my most challenging pregnancy so far. I have spoken in previous posts about my battle with my own mental health and the hormone swings that leave me shattered during pregnancy and after. Throw in some physical health complications, our huge move to our first house as homeowners, the drudgery of every day life as a mom of two other littles, running a business, the catching up and rushing of this past year, and the heart work involved in keeping our marriage strong and Christ-centered. I am stretched, physically and spiritually. The devil knows when you are weak.
I titled this post "hemorrhaging" because, while it is a yucky word, it is one that kept popping up the last month or so as a series of challenges mounted up to a boiling point for me. Meaning in names and words drives so much of the way I think and respond to life's moments. I believe each individual life is one epic poetic journey within the greatest story. If a word cries out to you in one line of your poem it deserves the attention it needs.
At almost 16 weeks of this pregnancy, I started bleeding. I had never bled even once during either of my other two pregnancies and I was terrified. After an agonizing night in the hospital, fearing the loss of this child, we were assured that "subchorionic hemorrhages" are fairly common and not spoken about enough. Mine was severe enough to warrant the hospital, but baby was a-ok.
Two weeks ago I got root canal for the first time because a nerve in my mouth had "hemorrhaged," resulting in agonizing pain and the need for emergency removal of that nerve.
This past week, deep in depression and anxiety, in panic mode, a trusted friend and counsellor commented that I was "hemorrhaging inside." I could not stop thinking about this word.
I opened my Bible, found Luke 8, and read again the story of the woman who suffered for 12 years from incessant bleeding that could not be cured, save for when she touched the robes of Jesus and was healed by her own faith. It struck me as I made the long past due time to cry out to Him to quiet the bruising and chaos in my body and soul that it is always by faith that we are healed, and Christ's power within us, just as it was with her. He is the only cure for our hemorrhaging. This past week I felt that power in ways I could never imagine possible, and I shudder at how long I have neglected to reach for His robes.
While I think this pregnancy has challenged me acutely, I can say as I look back through the trials and difficulties of each of my pregnancies (thankful for the documentation in this blog), there are glimpses of the preparation I needed for each child given. Once on the other side, those challenges made so much sense. I believe God gives mothers this in each journey with each unique child, so that his mercy in those lessons shines through when that new life is yours to hold. A reminder that he "knew you before he formed you in your mother's womb" while also walking with and knowing deeply your mother.
To those who follow my social media accounts, and have messaged or spoken to me in person about how they admire any single one thing about what they see going on in our life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear this and take it to heart. I share some real stuff but it does not even scratch the surface of what it is to be in my skin, to love this man and these children, to work out my own ugly sin with my God. Marriage is HARD. Parenting is HARD. Battling demons is HARD. Self esteem is HARD. Relationships are HARD. Cultural and societal pressures are BRUTAL. The 3 seconds to five minute glimpses you get into someone's life are exactly that. Keep being beautiful, strong, imperfect you and champion the gift that you are each day to this fallen world. God needs you, and you are prized just as you are, and who he is molding you to be. Reach for his robes. He is there and His strength and power to heal you in your brokenness is EVERYTHING you need.
