For the past 4 months I have been thinking deeply about what I would like to say to you to document all we have lived through so far in this first year of 2020--and let you know, as your mom, at 29 years old, what I am learning in the face of some very powerful moments in our nation's history. There is never a time in your life that I want you to stop listening for the lessons God is putting on your heart. Open yourselves up to ways you can contribute where you are, wherever life takes you, to heal and give positively to this broken world. Know when to ask for help, or ask questions when you do not understand. It can be difficult not to get swept up in your emotion when reacting to injustice as you face it yourself or see it happening to someone else, or the frustration that comes when the unprecedented occurs. But, knowing that you have been bought with a price, that you belong to Christ and have been put here for His purpose, carries both a blessed responsibility and the lifting of a great weight all in one. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." You are surrounded by people who love you, grownups who all have stories to tell, and who God has put in your life to help guide you as you navigate who you are in His story. We are all formed by the people who surround us, and the lessons they teach us if we listen. Listen well, and be the change you want to see in the world. I have spent these months listening, and I will never stop learning either. As much as I teach you, I am also your student, and a student of everyone I meet. You are the future. More on that in a bit.
Here is what you have going on right now:
Aria, you are four. You wake up every morning and help Daddy take care of the chickens. Sometimes you go to work in the fields with him and follow as he tends vines. Usually you stay with me and help with life at home. You are inquisitive. You see beauty in all that you touch and think about. You personify even the wind, and wonder at things that my heart forgets to wonder at because everything is new for you. You have labeled these past couple of months "Boring-tine," but the reaction it got from Mommy when you said that made you so happy. I have had to be extra creative while on lockdown, as we cannot visit our usual parks and stores, but it has been nice spending more time focusing on teaching you household skills. Your questions leave me completely in awe at the little mind I have developing and blossoming before my very eyes. Often I am left exhausted at the end of the day trying to keep up with your ceaseless communicating of thoughts and feelings, and how you are processing them. My brain is not working as quickly as yours! But, I count it all an immense gift to be your mother and to be the one closest to the action in the adventure that is you.
Leo, you are two. You are starting to find your voice and influence in this family, and it is a force that is growing more and more each day. I wrote for your first birthday that I was curious to see what ways that inner flame would emerge in you to match your fierce name. You were such a chill baby, and are still naturally very independent and calm in many ways. We are starting to see that fire emerge in your little talking voice that remains deep and searching. I think you were patiently waiting to get it just right as you listened to all of us speak. It now floods affluently into our lives with joy, laughter, and unyielding stubbornness to do things for yourself, and participate even when things are beyond your ability. I love that about you. You always want to help me when I am cooking, and you often pretend to cook in your play kitchen. You also never show up without some form of wheely toy in hand, rolling little cars and trucks over everything in your path---floor, walls, plants, Mommy. It is different nurturing and raising you as a little man, who will one day recognize the power that you carry and the responsibility you have in leading your own family. For now, I am teaching you small things that I feel will turn into big things as you grow up, like respect and honor for your sister and all the women in your life, and that your sensitivity is oftentimes a very good thing.
As we approach Father's Day, I want to honor the men in my life who have influenced me and who I am proud to surround my son with as he learns what it is to be a force for good in this world, and my daughter as she looks for these qualities in any man who tries for her heart. Being a man who listens, who stands up for what he believes in and what is right, who stays when it is his privilege and responsibility to do so, who honors women and treats all people with respect, who never ever gives up, who listens more and speaks less, who fights his own demons in order to win back his life, and forsakes himself to serve and bless people. These men are my heroes, and I believe men after God's own heart. On this Father's Day post I will lift up 7 men who have been monumentally positive in my life and who have promoted dignity and confidence in me beyond their knowledge of the mark they have made.
To Oscar, my godfather, and one of the kindest souls I know. You and Gila took me in at four years old and cared for me as your own among your nieces and nephews. You introduced me to books, experiences, songs, ideas, and culture that I never would have known without your influence in those primitive years of my life. I am so grateful for your investing in me, praying for me, and living out a Godly life that I learned and observed on a deep level. You helped develop empathy and compassion in me, and a yearning to walk with Christ as you do. With your heart of pure gold, you have always lead by example--an example of observance, of noticing. The joy you have in finding need and giving for no other reason than that it gives you pleasure to build others up and watch them flourish. I have always been astonished by this in you, and it opened my eyes to the need around me. Where, especially during these times, the pull to focus inwardly is great, it has always seemed to come naturally for you to think of others before yourself. You were never afraid to have fun, challenge, correct when necessary, cry, rejoice, celebrate, share in my life as if I was your own blood. I thank God for the influence you and Gila have had on me, and the role you have always played in my children's lives. You truly are fairy godparents, and I am so honored to be one of your godbabies.
To Jamie, my uncle, and lifelong friend. You have been present my whole life in every capacity possible. Your deep loving bond with my mother was always a positive thing to behold as I entered your story and grew up traveling with her on all of your journeys together. You extended that love to me, your "littlest lovely." Where my parents were always the support and authority, you supported me in other ways that they could not. You were there during rough adolescent times to remind me always that there is joy and value in every moment, that heartbreak will teach us, and laughter is healing. You have taught me that there is redemption and light in every dark place, and when we humble ourselves before the Lord, letting him rule our lives, there is freedom and peace that passes understanding. You are a living testament to God's faithfulness and love, and you inspire me every day with your tenacity and zeal for life lived for Him. Thank you for that example and for the refuge that you have always been to each of us, your nieces and nephew.
To Ben, my Pastor, who became a big brother I didn't know I needed so badly. You and Sarah moved to New York when I was just beginning high school. You surveyed this dramatic, insecure teen who knew nothing at all and had difficulty trusting in anything, and you embraced me. You saw something in me that was worth investing in, and nurtured me with dignity and love. You have never run from a question, looked down on or shamed me in all of the confusion of growing up. You are a man whose days fill up so quickly, and yet you were always ALWAYS there, and you taught me that my gifts were worthy and welcome whatever they looked like. I have always coveted your ability to make all people feel heard, and how your genuine care is felt where it is most needed. Thank you for all of the times that you lifted my spirit with words of encouragement, cried with me as I struggled to find my way, participated enthusiastically in all of my whacky ideas. Love in that form takes so much patience and faith, and I am so grateful to you both for loving me all these years. Alongside the kingdom work you do together, you and Sarah are raising four beautiful, interesting, and wonderful human beings who exemplify the love you have for each other and Christ. Stephen and I look up to you both so much, and pray that our children will love and honor us the way it is so apparent yours do you. Your presence and friendship in every phase of my life has been one of God's greatest gifts to me.
To Esty, dear friend, and godfather to Leo. I am sure you are surprised to be in this post, but that is because you have no idea the positive impact you have had as you and Sara joined our inner circle of family. You have seen the beautiful, the painful, the ugly, and the ignorant, and you have loved us through all of it. Stephen and I have always been grateful for the kindred spirits we have found in you both as a couple, but even more than that, I adore and appreciate the relationship you have pursued with both of my children. You are parents now, and killing it. Watching you take on that role has seemed effortless, maybe mostly because you always have been fatherly towards our children. Your perspective, loyalty, creativity, eagerness to learn and dream big is the kind of energy I always want for Aria and Leo, and I am so proud that you are a strong force of that example in their lives. You challenge me in areas that are so needed, and you have helped me to grow with your outlook on life and tenacity for success. Know that you make our life so much more rich with your friendship and love. We hope that you have an amazing first Father's Day with Baby Dom on this side of Sara =)
To Steve, my father in law. One of my favorite memories is when I announced that I was pregnant the first time and you told me you hoped it was a girl so you could be "Mrs. Nesbit." Coming from a man whose favorite hobbies include hunting and fishing in the wild, and planning quests for D&D, it came as a surprise that you hoped tea parties in sunday bonnets were in your future. But when I think back to your rarely missing one of my book club meetings, your attendance at every dance recital and event I planned, your faithful tradition of calling to ask me to the Father-Daughter Dance, it should not have come as quite the shock. You have shown me in words and actions that I am truly your daughter, and that you are proud of Stephen's choice for a wife. I cannot tell you fully how much your love has encouraged me and how confident I felt in marrying your son because of the example you have set for him in loving your wife. The way that you take care of and adore Angela takes my breath away. When you both give us advice, we listen, because your marriage is one for the ages. Thank you for being the most amazing Popie, and for your testimony of loving your wife, just as Christ loved the church.
To David, my daddy and first love. I have a card that I saved from you from many years ago. I cannot remember what the occasion. I think it might have been from a Valentine's Day, and I was dating a boy, whether it was Stephen or someone before. You wrote "Remember, I loved you first," and that has always stuck with me. It is no small thing for a little boy, abandoned by his father at 4 years old, to rise up and break the mold of his family tree. To war against all of the flawed imperfection of sin, and put God in the forefront of his ambition to create with his wife something beautiful in their family unit. No one does this perfectly, but you leaned on God to pick up where you felt inadequate, and he was faithful to you, His beloved. You stayed. And you fought for us with zeal and God's word. In doing so, you nurtured our baby faith, gave us stability, and an armor in this world before you sent us into it. In so many ways I have taken the flowers you planted in me--your passions for reading, for music, for food, for people--and watered them in myself, and in my own motherhood. My children are sowing their own seeds by extension and this family tree you have created is so full of life. I am so proud to be your daughter and firstborn. Thank you for your dedication, your presence, and your unfailing love. We are all so blessed to call you Dad/PopPop.
To Stephen, my husband, my heart, and my best friend. I hope you know by now, but I will continue to spend the rest of my life telling you how blessed and grateful I am to be yours. I had no idea when we met how deep I could fall, and that there really is no bottom to this love. Looking at how far we have come just since last June, I feel this year was a major growing year for us. We have worked through a lot in a short amount of time, but with some painful stretches and humbling vulnerability that is never fun when it is happening, we are stronger in our marriage than we have ever been. Thank you for taking the time to bare your soul, to try and understand mine, for keeping my heart safe as you have these past 12 years. Thank you for sharing with me all your passions, your fears, and your demons. It is my honor to be your partner in this life we are building. Our faith, our family, our business. I am so blessed to wake up every morning and take care of our home that is a haven to so many. You are the hardest worker and sexiest farmer I ever did see. My heart sings whenever you come home, sound your signature whistle, and I get to watch Aria and Leo jump up from wherever they are and gleefully run into your arms. You are beyond anything I could ever imagine, and more. The man of my dreams. Thank you for the way you provide for us, the pride you take in your work, and for being the amazing daddy that you are to our children. I love you.
It "takes a village," as they say, to raise children. I was raised by a village. I am not so pretentious to think that my children would benefit from being isolated to just my own and Stephen's parenting and guidance. It is important for us to let others be in their lives, loving them, nurturing them, and filling in where we fall short, opening their eyes to the experiences of others whom God has put in there for a reason. This is how we give them opportunity and the capacity to do great things with humility. I am so grateful for all of these men and how they have blessed and changed my life so much for the better, and I hope that this tribute gives a small picture of how much. Happy Father's Day!
I opened my Bible, found Luke 8, and read again the story of the woman who suffered for 12 years from incessant bleeding that could not be cured, save for when she touched the robes of Jesus and was healed by her own faith. It struck me as I made the long past due time to cry out to Him to quiet the bruising and chaos in my body and soul that it is always by faith that we are healed, and Christ's power within us, just as it was with her. He is the only cure for our hemorrhaging. This past week I felt that power in ways I could never imagine possible, and I shudder at how long I have neglected to reach for His robes. 
